i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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