i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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