forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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