she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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