After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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