There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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