The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
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I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
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She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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