i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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