you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
