Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
