im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you had me at cake vodka
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
