he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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