I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
