At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i think my cat just said my name.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
