Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
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I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
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I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize