So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
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