clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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