I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize