he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I forgot how hot balto sounded
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
