Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
