her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
