i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
