i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
