I faked an abortion last night.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Randomize
