I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
