You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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