We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
