my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
