non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
