I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
