I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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