Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
