i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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