Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
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i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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