Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
