Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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