That's intense
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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