Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
