cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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