I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
