I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
