Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
