I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
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