I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
is wine microwaveable?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
