Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
