Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
