So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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