Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
