So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
