Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
