Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
