i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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