Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
